I found out yesterday that I will be having a minor surgery a week from today. It is funny even as I write that I am not worried about it at all, I feel totally at peace with this decision. I saw my doctor for an annual visit and I expressed some concerns about some pain I had been having for awhile.
Based on my descriptions and her exam she feels pretty confident that I have endometriosis again. I say that because apparently there is no way for her to "officially" diagnose it without going in with a laparoscope and checking it out. And so, a week from today, that is exactly what she is going to do.
About 6 years ago I had an emergency surgery, a very critical surgery, in which this very same doctor came in and saved my life. I remember that night going into the operating room and they were prepping me and she came in because they had called her and I remember saying "Please don't take everything out - I want to be able to have more babies". She promised me that she would do everything that she could, but that if it was between saving my life and saving my reproductive organs - she would choose me.
She was able to save both, and by a miracle we got pregnant with Gabriel the following year. I have complete faith in my doctor and her ability to take care of me. I am very lucky. During that surgery they found endometriosis that I didn't know I had and removed it. Apparently it can come back. And so we will try again to take care of this pesky problem!
I have told people that I am excited in a way for this surgery. I know - crazy lady talking! But I know that after the healing time is over, there is a very good chance that I will feel much better than I do today. And who knows, maybe this is just the thing I need to be able to successfully carry a pregnancy.
I/we both struggle with what is God's plan for our lives - and more specifically does that plan include more children? I would love to believe that it does, but I don't know for sure.
Remember that old movie with Steve Martin in it where a electronic highway billboard sends him messages, and I think he somehow meets his true love and falls in love. But he is driving on this highway, talking out loud, basically asking for answers and this sign answers him. Clear as day.
Sometimes that is what I wish for. Wouldn't it be easier if I could just have this conversation with God, driving home from work, and instead of an Amber Alert message I could see a message that said "Kristin...this is God - you will/will not have any more kids. Stop worrying about it already".
I probably would crash my car off the road or totally miss the sign because I was zoned out after a long day - but the theory is good. It would just make things easier for me.
Of course that is the problem...it isn't all about me is it? Bummer, I never liked that realization. Although throughout my teenage years I said otherwise - my parents could attest to that...the truth is the world doesn't revolve around me.
And I find that the more I obsess about "me" the less I am focused on the One who is really important and what His will is for my life. So today I am trying to really relinquish my control over my life and seek to follow His will in all things. It really is the only way. Why do I fight it so hard? Why do I think I know what is best for my life? I want to be free of the need to control my destiny and allow God to do it for me.
It is something I have to battle with daily, and I am sure will continue...but I press on because I know there is peace in following a gentle Savior. A peace that only He can offer. I am grateful that I know where to turn when I am ready and willing to give up the reins and following the pathway to peace.